le beau

I don't share a lot of personal information on this blog, mostly because I am a pretty private person, apparently. After all, I started this blog to post pretty photos that capture la dolce vita here in the U.S.

However, just photos of places that are not particularly exotic (Chicago, Wisconsin) are perhaps not incredibly compelling to most. So I thought I would share the story of how my beau and I started going out. It's not really a way to "see Italy," but it does fall under the category of amore, which is molto italiano.

We actually met about 20 years ago, more or less. We're not sure exactly when, but it was not long after I moved back to Chicago in 1993. A lot of my friends were musicians, and the indie-rock scene in Chicago was (still is) pretty tight. There were maybe three or four bars this crowd tended to congregate in--the much-missed Lounge Ax, the Empty Bottle (which had just opened at the time), and the Rainbo Club were the main ones. The beau, S., ran in the same crowd, so we met early on. I think my friend K. probably introduced us. He was hard to miss because of his height, his good looks, and at that time he had long dreadlocks (not a good look on a white guy, but we will chalk it up to his youth--he says he had them because he was "lazy").

So years, we'd run into each other, say hi, maybe have a short conversation. I never really was interested in him. I think this is because he was so tall, oddly enough. I liked tall guys (who doesn't?) but I'd had some bad experiences with other tall guys, so I was unconsciously steering myself away from guys with serious height. That, plus the fact that he had this very confident aura made me assume he would never be interested in me. I was having confidence issues at this time--the people I met were so cool and interesting and doing neat things, and I just thought I was so boring in comparison. I remember people talking to me and me thinking they must be bored, and gently trying to let them know they could go talk to someone else. I must have come off as incredibly standoffish.

During this time, for about five years I went out with someone else, who I hoped (rather than believed) I would marry. Our breakup was the second most traumatic event of my life, and as I discovered through the therapy I started to get over it, this was partly (mostly, really) because the breakup brought up all these feelings of loss and loneliness from my mother's death some 15-16 years before. It was really one of the worst times of my life. Maybe even worse than when my mother died, because I was an adult and I knew I had to rely on myself.

Therapy was a looooong process, but also an interesting one. (Where else do you get to talk about yourself nonstop for an hour?) I discovered lots of destructive patterns of thinking, especially when it came to my relationships. I probably didn't choose the right guys, but then I also had some insane expectations as well. Identifying these patterns was the easy part, it turns out. Changing them is much, much harder.

While I was doing this, I went out with someone else, E.,  that I knew I definitely didn't want to marry. In three and a half years, we never said "I love you." He is a wonderful person and deserves the best, but I was very clear that I was not in love with him. Was he in love with me? I'm not sure, but I doubt it. Why spend nearly four years circling the runway? All I can say is that it's what I needed at the time.

Because of E. we hung out with even more musicians and people in related professions, so I saw and hung out with S. a little more. I remember always being somewhat surprised when he made a point of talking with me (still having some confidence issues!), and I still didn't think about him romantically at all. This changed a little one night, when we were sitting next to each other at a big table at the Rainbo. E. was on the other side, but he couldn't hear us. We were flirting a little bit, and I said something daring like, "I like tall guys." (I was probably a little tipsy.) He looked at me and said, "And I like short girls." And there was a beat as we smiled at each other. I then changed the subject, but there was a little part of me inside that went, "Aha."

 Later S. announced he was moving to Colorado, and that was the last I heard of him for a few years. I actually kind of forgot about him.

***

There is a lot of backlash against the idea that good thoughts bring good energy and the things that you want in life. But when "I want" comes from fear--when it actually means "I don't want"-- it's negative energy. I was saying, "I want a boyfriend/husband," but actually saying "I don't want to be alone forever." Paradoxically, I had to get OK with being alone forever before I could be with someone else.

And I did get OK with it. I had a revelation one day that my life wasn't so bad. I had friends around me and family that loved me, and a new nephew too. I could deal with that. I was grateful.

And that meant that I was ready to say "I want," not "I don't want." So I said it, very clearly and deliberately, at the beginning of 2011. I said I wanted a man who was

• kind to me
• funny
• wanted to be in a monogamous relationship
• wasn't completely broke (he didn't have to be rich, but I wanted someone who could match my lifestyle)
• and if he was tall that wouldn't hurt.

It didn't happen right away.  I started going out with someone else. Actually I think this interim step was kind of important. He met the criteria, and I had hopes. But after about six months, when I asked him what we were doing, exactly (you know that conversation), it turned out we weren't in the same place. He was only up for something casual. I wasn't, so I bid him adieu. And I waited to be upset.

I cried a little, but--crucially--I did not feel desperate, like I would be alone for the rest of my life. It had been fun, but the guy wasn't into it, so it wasn't meant to be. Fine. I got back on my horse pretty much right away and started contacting more people on the dating site.

About a month or two after that, a friend invited me to an opening party for some of her photos, which were on display at a boutique. I remember feeling lazy, but I reminded myself that a lot of my friends would be there and socializing was important. So I hopped on my bike and went.

I chatted with some of my friends, admired the photos, ate some food. After a few hours, I was getting ready to go. I remember I was standing in front of a table with all of these perfumes, my back to the room. I wanted to try the perfumes before I left. Finally I turned around to leave and I saw S. standing at the food table. I don't know if he had seen me or not. Even then, I almost left without saying hello. I was kind of tired and had had enough. But--and this is such a cliche, but I swear it happened--a little voice in my head said, "Just go talk to him."

So I did. I wasn't even sure he would even really remember me. I wasn't even sure he knew my name, frankly. But he was very warm and glad to see me, and started telling me about the European trip he had just returned from. I remember that some other woman came over to say hello to him, and I thought about just saying "bye" and slipping out, but again, something made me stay put. The other woman eventually moved on, and after we chatted a little bit, S. said, "Actually I was hoping I'd see you here tonight."

It's not an exaggeration to say I was flabbergasted. I actually opened my eyes wide and blinked at him a couple times. I think my reaction surprised him, because then he got the deer-in-the-headlights look and changed the subject.  So finally I said, "Well, we should go for a drink sometime." And he looked relieved and happy, and said, "Yes, I would like that."

Frankly I had to chase him a little bit after that--I think he was a little gun-shy of having a girlfriend after having had some, shall we say, overly emotional ones, from what he's told me. Finally I invited him to a party I was having and decided that if he didn't come, then at least I would know he wasn't really interested. But he did come, by himself--and as a friend of mine said later, that showed a lot of gumption. Suffice it to say he was the last one to leave that party, and we've been dating ever since.

Of course things aren't perfect, but I have discovered that I have become a lot more realistic about relationships. I used to expect so much from men I was in a relationship with, no one human could have satisfied me. I really gave them complete power over my happiness. I also somehow thought they they didn't have problems of their own, that they knew something I didn't about life or had things all figured out. I really put them up on a pedestal.  Now I am much more accepting of their flaws and failures (and, probably not coincidentally, with my own).

By letting those things go, I have paved the way for a relationship that makes me deeply happy. I hope it will continue to do so for many--well, all--of the years to come.

late summer in the city

Savoring the final days of summer like the last bottle of a favorite wine.

lunchtime bike ride

apples in the backyard

greedy gulls

the view of the most beautiful skyline in the world from a boat

cupcakes to use up leftover homemade frosting

We're off to the cabin this weekend for one last visit this year. A bientot!

back to the cottage

We went back to the Wisconsin cottage for a few days to celebrate the beau's birthday. He has celebrated 19 out of 20 of his last birthdays there, and I can certainly understand why.

Beautiful sunsets.

Frutti di bosco, aka wild blackberries. We ate most of the ripe ones from this bush before I took the photo.

Lookin' pretty good after another year! Happy birthday amore!

wish you were here

This weekend in Chicago was unusually cool and autumnal. It was actually refreshing after all the heat we've had recently. As long as it goes back to being hot this week! (It will.)

Had a long bike ride along the lake, which looked very blue indeed. I felt a little blue because the beau is out of town, but it is nice to have time to myself. I ate sushi with one friend and Puerto Rican food with another. Went swimming at the pool. Took said bike ride. Relaxed.

 Perhaps you didn't know that Chicago has 18 miles of lakefront bike and walking paths.  They're there because in 1836 public officials had the foresight to decree that the lakefront remain "forever open, clear, and free." It's an amazing urban resource and one I take advantage of quite a lot. It's one of the things that makes Chicago a wonderful place to live in and makes up for the drawbacks (i.e., high city taxes and insane parking fees, endemic poverty/violence in certain neighborhoods, the winter--OK, let's stick to the positive stuff).

Right now the city is discussing options for revamping Lake Shore Drive, a major road (really a highway) between the lakefront and the city, both to make sure it can handle traffic demands in the future and to make the lakefront even more accessible and user-friendly. I'm not looking forward to the construction involved, but hopefully the end result will be worth it.

I'm arranging a boating outing for the beau's birthday next month so we can go out on that lake. More on that later.

back to Wisconsin

We went back to the boyfriend's family's cottage in northern Wisconsin for a week. Just us. Perfect weather. It was heavenly--except for the mosquitos, thanks to the cool and wet spring.

With all the green rolling hills, the farms, and the cows, you could almost be in France. Without the wine and good restaurants. Well, there is good food there--beef, pork (mmm bratwurst), beer, etc. We picked up some great sharp cheddar and some New Glarus beer of course, and I made sure to bring some rose' and red wine.

A most excellent spot for morning coffee.

  

There's not much to do except swim, sail, canoe, bike, read, and relax. And cook and eat. It's pretty great.

There was a lot of meat eating going on.

 

 But we did do a little socializing. We got a drink at one of the area bars after a bike ride and admired the many stuffed examples of local wildlife.

So many dead things.

 And we managed to see some live wildlife as well. On one bike ride we saw maybe 30 or 35 deer. Maybe they were on their way to a deer party. One wandered into the lot next door and was snorting and stamping at the boyfriend's cat, like a delicate little bull. The cat finally had to concede and walked away.

We also saw a bat (wish we saw more of those, for the insects), hummingbirds, a turtle, a fish that jumped out of the water right in front of our boat, bald eagles, cranes, and wild turkeys. I was not so thrilled to see a snake swimming in the water after I'd spent several blissfully ignorant days swimming in it.

But the big event was me finally getting to see a bear!

He's that black thing in the middle.

The boyfriend usually sees at least one per trip, but generally early in the morning. I don't care about bears enough to get up at 5:30. But this time he spotted one at the side of the road in the afternoon while we were in the car coming back from somewhere. He quickly turned around and I managed to get a snap while it was lumbering off. 

 

We also went even further north to visit the boyfriend's sister and niece at their house on the shores of Lake Superior for a night. It was a completely new area for me. News flash: Lake Superior is extremely cold, like your-bones-will-ache-in-three-seconds cold. I did dip in a couple times just to cool off.

Stopped at a park trail on the way, but I was hardly dressed for serious hiking.

Lake Superior.

 The boyfriend's sister is raising chickens, so that was pretty exciting for this city girl. There were a lot of them, including some chicks that had just hatched.

 

This guy ran at me a couple times, defending his women against the interloper.

The coop.

Boyfriend and his sister by the lake.

For the Fourth of July, we went to Bayfield, a charming little sailing town. We sat on the docks and watched a pretty great fireworks display, and also got to take in the displays from neighboring towns, including one on the nearby Apostle Islands. I love small-town Independence Day celebrations. It was definitely preferable to being in Chicago--my friends on Facebook were reporting the usual Beirut-like mayhem there.

We'll go back to the cottage in August for boyfriend's birthday. It'll only be a long weekend, but I am already looking forward to it! And maybe next year we can actually go to France or Italy. For now, though, I'm very grateful for these Wisconsin vacations.

strawberry rhubarb crumble

Even though it's all over the farmers markets in the spring here, I never bought rhubarb. We never had it growing up and I hadn't been taught how to prepare it, so cooking it didn't really occur to me. But the beau has a giant rhubarb plant in his backyard that just gives and gives and gives. So I had to take some.

And this is after harvesting a bunch.

Spoon added for scale.

 Rhubarb freezes really well--just chop it up into pieces for easy storage. But I decided I wanted to make a rhubarb-strawberry crumble. Rhubarb and strawberry is of course a classic combination, in part because the strawberry adds sweetness to balance the rhubarb's tartness. Also, the store was having a good deal on strawberries--two big packages for $5.  Just rhubarb is good too, but you have to make sure to add enough sugar.  I chose a crumble because I am too lazy to make pie crust.

I precooked the strawberries, rhubarb and sugar in a pan. Next time I probably won't do this, or I'll cook it for a much shorter time. The end product was a mite gloppy (though still tasty).

Then I made the crumble dough. I do about 1:1 butter to sugar, then about twice the amount of flour, plus a pinch of salt and a teaspoon or so of baking powder. The result should be crumbly rather than doughy.

I like to add oatmeal to the dough, but I was out, so I chopped up some almonds instead. Put the rhubarb-strawberry mixture in a greased pan or ramekins, top with the dough, and cook at 375 degrees for 30-45 minutes.

Great with ice cream! Beau said he didn't like the almonds, that they were too crunchy, but I enjoyed the added texture. I suppose this is what they mean when they say that relationships are all about compromises.

Next up, I am going to make some rhubarb-sugar syrup to add to club soda! Stay tuned!

more nice weather

We got up into the 80s this weekend--perfect for a long bike ride along Chicago's lakefront. We went all the way from the north side to a detour in downtown's Grant Park to 47th street, where there's a quiet little beach that is my boyfriend's favorite (hope I didn't ruin it for him, but no one reads this blog anyway).

My annual photo of Buckingham Fountain. It's modeled after one in Versailles but is much bigger. It's such a tourist attraction but it's still one of my favorite spots in the city because it makes me so happy. Apparently spraying water releases positive ions, so it's all just a chemical reaction. Whatever, I'll take it.

Need to do some weeding around here.

Boyfriend actually jumped into the lake. Water temperature was about 54 degrees--not quite icy enough to cause instant hypothermia but still more than just bracing. I'll wait until about July, when it's warmed up a bit.

Unfortunately I don't think there will be too much bike riding along the lake or going for a dip this Memorial Day weekend, as the temperatures are only supposed to get into the 60s. We are really getting hosed this spring. Every day that it's nice weather, I have to make sure to enjoy it fully, because who knows how long it will last?

primavera

After a very long and cool spring, it looks like warm weather is finally here to stay (fingers crossed).

Peonies are my favorite flower. Their season is too short!

Green things growing on the shores of the North Pond in Lincoln Park, Chicago.

A view across the pond to the city.

carciofo

That is not a trick of perspective--that is the true size of the artichoke I ate last night. It took up half the plate! And with some vinaigrette, it was delicious too. The beau grilled salmon and made some rice, and I brought some wine that went really well with the meal. All delicious.

Yes, spring vegetables are showing up in stores here, and spring itself has finally decided to make an appearance. It was warm this weekend, although a little chilly near the lake, where we ventured for a bike ride. A lot of ladies were rockin' the summer dresses, but it was a little early for that (brrr). Today and tomorrow it's supposed to be in the 70s, and maybe even 80 tomorrow, although it's supposed to rain. I'll be stuck inside at work, unless I decide to work at home. I think the long-awaited return of warmer temperatures should be an automatic holiday, don't you?

Colorado

I've not posted much because it's been such a depressing long spring. No sun and the temperatures have barely budged out of the 40s and low 50s, often even lower. I really would have liked to have gone somewhere warm, but a lack of funds on the part of my boyfriend dictated that we went to Colorado instead, where he has family. It actually was a lot of fun, even if we had to endure a snowstorm and some quite cold temperatures for a couple of days. Unfortunately those cold days coincided with our visit to some hot springs! Nothing like getting out of the water into some 20 degree temperatures.

I can't really compare southern Colorado to a European country I've been to (blog theme FAIL). It is its own place.

Red rocks at the Garden of the Gods near Colorado Springs.

Did you know they make a fair amount of wine in Colorado? I didn't. This is the tasting room at Holy Cross Winery, which we happened across while trying to go skiing. Turned out the lifts had stopped running the previous day, so we improvised. The wine was good! I bought four bottles.

The Royal Gorge on the Arkansas River. We would have gone over the bridge, but it was 26 bucks each and we are way too cheap for that.

There is a big naturally heated pool near the Great Sand Dunes National Park where you can stay overnight. This was our little modular home, obviously brand new and filled with Ikea furniture. Powerful winds had kicked up so much dust we couldn't see the mountains (this picture was taken when they finally died down the next day), but this sturdy little unit barely creaked.

Big Colorado sky.

We stayed at another hot springs resort where the mule deer were relatively mellow about humans.

One of the hot springs pools. I couldn't take too many pictures as the resort was clothing-optional, yikes! Fortunately it was very cold when we were there, so other than in the pools people were pretty covered up. I preferred to keep my bathing suit on, especially since we were there with some of my boyfriend's family members. Yes, I'm uptight and I'm fine with it!

More mountains. I tried to take some panoramic shots but most of them didn't turn out for some reason.

Margaritas on our last night. This was at Jorge's Sombrero in Pueblo. President Obama stopped there in 2008 and had the fish tacos, which I can report are excellent.

My boyfriend actually has a house in Pueblo that is currently gutted--he's trying to sell it but he also talks about fixing it up and staying out there for a couple months at a time during the miserable Chicago winters. I was not impressed by Pueblo on first glance. The poor parts (where the house is) are kind of like the more ramshackle parts of New Orleans without the music or culture. But I have to admit it grew on me a little bit by the end of our trip. We did drive through some nicer areas, which is where I told my boyfriend he should buy a place if he wants me to join him out there, heh.

Now I have to go back to work tomorrow at my ugly office in the boring suburbs, where I'm going to be slammed with work. I am not looking forward to the artificial nature of corporate America after a week in the mountains. I still have four weeks of paid time off to use, so I guess I'll survive by planning our next vacation!