I guess I have pretty much abandoned this blog. I haven't wanted to write in a while because after my last post it was too painful. Basically the beau and I broke up. Well, if only it were that clear-cut. About six months ago, after a painful discussion, he basically stopped talking to me and completely shut me out of his life for several months. As you might imagine, I was distraught--lost 14 pounds in two months (OK, I was glad to lose it, but it's not the healthiest way to diet). Since then we have communicated a little, but I have been getting a lot of mixed messages, from "I'm sorry I cut you out, that was wrong, I'm having trouble coping with life lately" (which makes me think he is having some sort of major depressive event) and wanting to re-establish contact, to again falling off the grid, to only texting me when he needs something and then acting like what happened is no big deal (which makes me think he is just an emotionally immature jerk). He has been dealing with a lot of life challenges, but truth be told, while they are big ones, they are things that pretty much everyone has to face eventually.
I'm not sure it's worth writing in detail everything that happened. Suffice it to say I have pored over it over and over again. It was so bizarre. I still don't have any answers, beyond that in the end it doesn't really matter, because he can't or won't be with me. As Maya Angelou once said (I'm paraphrasing here), when someone shows you who they are, believe them. I'm still mourning my fantasy of what our relationship was--I thought this was IT--and really working hard on moving on and focusing on my life again. I've also realized that I can't communicate with him anymore, because every time he reaches out it's like pulling the scab off again.
In some ways it's been a very interesting and enlightening time, and I suppose I should be grateful. I probably dodged a bullet, and looking back, there were red flags that I didn't heed. I'm trying to figure out why I keep doing this, because I don't ever want to be in this place again. It's not all about men; it's about other aspects in my life as well.
So that's it. In better news, I am looking for a new job and have a very interesting prospect, and I'm off to Mexico by myself next month, to Tulum. I hope to post some pictures after that.
